She’s right on the edge of ecstasy, and then you do something dumb in bed that derails her pleasure, throws her off her game, and ruins the rest of the night. Some maneuvers may seem innocuous, but they actually distract her from her ultimate endgame: achieving orgasm. Avoid these six sex moves at all costs.
1. Starting Off Too Intense
Right from the get-go, there’s a rookie mistake that can eliminate her O even before it begins. It might seem counter-intuitive, but going directly for her clitoris—or using too much pressure on it—before adequately warming her up can delay her orgasm.
“It might seem like it would make her come more quickly, but it’ll actually make her take longer,” says sex and relationship coach Celeste Hirschman. In other words, make sure you’ve teased her a little bit before you hit her hotspot, and when you do, start slow: First apply gentle pressure to the clitoris at a slow speed, then gradually work up to a faster pace as her arousal increases.
Investing time in foreplay in the beginning can make her orgasm all the better in the end.
2. Constantly Asking, “Are You Close?”
If she was close, you’d know—so shut up and let her get there.
“Women’s version of performance anxiety mostly comes from feeling like we’re taking too long,” explains Hirschman. So although you might be trying to encourage her by checking in, asking her if she’s approaching her destination can make her feel pressured to hurry up—which is a great way to ensure that she isn’t close.
“Trying too hard to get the orgasm is a way you can often kill the orgasm,” says Kayt Sukel, author of This Is Your Brain on Sex. Instead, focus on telltale signs that she’s almost there—like quickened breathing and moaning—and let her come at her own pace.
3. Changing Speeds
“When women get close to orgasm, they need the pressure and rhythm to stay the same for a while,” says Danielle Harel, Ph.D., who works alongside Hirschman at a relationship coaching practice in San Francisco.
If you suddenly decide to ramp up the intensity or increase the speed, it can throw off the momentum she’s been building toward her orgasm. So once she starts saying, “Right there! Don’t stop!” then really, don’t. “If that’s the moment when you decide to get really creative, then she’s going to completely lose it,” warns Harel.
Related: 5 Oral Sex Moves To Try
4. Making It a Performance
Sure, she likes to see you sexily undress and she appreciates that you’ve taken all of our sex tips to heart. But don’t get too caught up in putting on a show.
“Sometimes men take cues from porn for how sex is supposed to be—like how long sex is supposed to last, how many orgasms a woman is supposed to have,” says Sukel. “You should be taking your cues from your partner, not what you saw in some 20-minute video on the Internet. If you’re trying to hit it like you’re James Deen, that’s going to work against you.”
Those moves you thought were sizzling hot? They probably aren’t going to push her over the edge. Instead, focus on being present and having fun with her in bed. “A lot of what turns women on is the intimacy and connection—not all of your stupid magic tricks,” says Hirschman.
5. Keeping the TV On
Having an orgasm can take some degree of focus, so don’t ruin her chances with any possible distractions. This means turning off the television and making sure you’re in a private place, but it can also mean letting her focus on her own orgasm without worrying about yours.
“I honestly don’t understand how anyone gets off doing 69,” jokes Hirschman. “Trying to do things simultaneously doesn’t always work. I like the approach of ‘turn-taking,’ where each person can focus on their own pleasure.”
If you come way before she does, let her know that the next round is all about her, and don’t lay on any pressure about having a simultaneous orgasm.
6. Constantly Sweet-Talking Her
Women can be prone to something Sukel calls “spectatoring”—basically like an out-of-body experience where she’s thinking about what your sex looks like without fully being “there.” And even something as innocent as complimenting her can actually take her out of the present moment.
“When I’ve talked to women about why this happens, it’s actually not men who are being dicks,” Sukel explains. “A lot of women just say that men are over-complimentary. Even making a comment that seems innocuous can get her thinking about what her ass looks like in this particular moment, and it can lead to spectatoring.” That doesn’t mean you should go radio-silent during sex.
But be careful not to jabber too much—even if her ass does look great—so that you don’t take her out of the moment.