How You Can Make A Stale Relationship Hot Again
Get the spark back in your marriage in three simple steps

November 22, 2016

For when you need more than just a date night to bring back some excitement

After the wedding, lots of couples can feel a letdown, and they begin to get bored, says Rachel A. Sussman, L.C.S.W., author of The Breakup Bible.

“The excitement of dating has passed, the excitement of falling in love has passed, the excitement of the engagement and the wedding has passed, then it gets stale,” she says.
Here’s what it means if your relationship is going dull—and how to get out of a rut without breaking up.

Step 1: Stop Worrying

If you two have been together for a while, getting bored at some point is pretty inevitable.

Our brains are hardwired to look for the newest, most exciting things, says Sussman.

We get tired of the same routine in every aspect of our lives—jobs, fitness routines—and that goes for our relationships, too.

“Expect it to happen, notice it, and try to make a change,” says Sussman.
So what do you do?

Well, you could break up and shift from relationship to relationship, always ending it once you get bored.

Or, if you value your partner and want to make it work, move on to the next two steps.

Step 2: Figure Out the Root Cause

First, determine if this is mere boredom or something bigger.

While feeling uninspired in a relationship can be a very common problem, it could also hint at underlying issues.
Sussman suggests asking yourself these questions to assess the damage:

  • Are you still having sex?
  • Are you questioning whether or not you’re attracted to this person?
  • Are you on the same page when it comes to family and friendships?
  • Do you argue over finances or work/life balance?
  • Are you questioning if you have anything in common?
  • Do you feel yourself growing apart?
  • If the answer is yes to any of these, then you’ve got more than just a case of boredom on your hands.

If you’re just feeling a little restless, ask yourself if you’re also feeling lost in other areas of your life.
“You have to have balance, relationships can’t be your everything,” says Sussman.

“Make sure you feel stimulated in your job, in your friendships, and in your relationship,” she says. “If you want to have a stimulating and exciting life, it’s each person’s responsibility.”
If you’re feeling solid in other areas of your life, it’s time to have an honest discussion with your partner about what you can do to spice things up.

Step 3: Make a Plan

Now, the fun part.

Sussman says she and her husband solved their relationship boredom by planning a vacation together.
“Not only did we plan a trip to Italy, we decided to take Italian lessons for the whole six months leading up to it,” she says. “We studied together, we quizzed each other, we cooked Italian food on the weekends.”

“So by the time we got on our trip, it was so enhanced because of that,” she says.

Try to pinpoint what part of your relationship is boring you.

Is it the lulls in conversation? If so, hit up a museum or read a book together to get things flowing.

Has your sex life become routine? Then change things up with naked Sundays.
No shared hobbies? Try something new, like running a half-marathon together.

Whatever the case, the key is to get out of the ordinary and mix it up.

Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up—this happens. Use it as an opportunity to have fun and learn a thing or two.