Steal her attention, and keep it, with MH’s five-point guide to making a quick but lasting connection with the object of your desire.
1/Talk Yourself Up – Political strategist Iain Bundred, former advisor to Gordon Brown, on the art of listening “When under pressure, you’ll often be planning your next comment while the other person is talking,” Bundred says. Focus on what she’s saying and pause before you speak – this will help you to appear calm, thoughtful and unhurried. “When she’s talking, an oddly effective gesture is to touch your chin while nodding – you’ll seem more engaged,” Bundred says. “But to agree with every word in order to be liked appears insincere; oppose, but not in a way that belittles her opinions. Try ‘I hear you, but you may agree that…’” Even Debra Patta would be under your spell.
Make It Work – “Stick to short sentences and make your point early on.” This way she doesn’t have to work at listening to you, which gives her the impression you’re easy to get along with.
2/Appeal To Her Instincts – Anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher shows how to tap into her “checklist” To impress a cavewoman, all it took was a “resource display’”– showing off the food or shelter you had to offer. This instinct still lingers. “Take her for tapas, where the emphasis is on sharing,” Fisher says. A warning: Neanderthal tactics only work with instant gratification. It must be food to eat together or a blanket you pull over both of you while watching a film. Centuries of nurturing behaviour mean women instinctively evaluate by touch. “She must always touch you first to feel comfortable,” Fisher says. “But then you should countertouch immediately on the same area of her body. If you don’t respond, it triggers feelings of rejection.”
Make It Work – “She’ll also notice a ‘nonreciprocal’ touch with other men. Placing your hand on a man’s back to move him out of her way gains you a higher status in her eyes.”
3/Turn Around A Tough Audience – Comedian Daniel Friedman offers his top tips for winning them over. Learn how to tell when your act is bombing and when you can disarm her with a simple trick. Research from Ontario University in Canada revealed that when the mind wanders, you’ll blink more frequently to prevent information entering the brain. Friedman’s rescue plan is simple: “If she’s losing interest, vocalise her thoughts. She’ll relax and laugh – people love self-deprecation – and it’ll win her back and spark a playful argument.”
Make It Work – When telling a story, move your arms or walk around on your “stage”. This visual information helps her to engage with what you are saying.
4/Gain Trust Early – Matt the Knife, a con artist turned magician, knows how to win someone over. “If you want someone to like you; get them to like themselves; they’ll associate feeling self-assured with being with you,” Matt says. “Reveal a weakness that also shows strength.” To say “I own my own company” sounds arrogant. Instead, try: “I’m doing okay these days – but only after sleeping on friends’ floors while I secured funding.” This tells her you have money, but you’re humble with a strong circle of friends. It’s a sign that you’re letting her in.
Bite-Size Charisma – “Shift your use of ‘I’ to ‘we’ and from ‘me’ to ‘us’,” Matt suggests. This subtly manufactures closeness.
5/Build Rapport – Celebrity journalist Lisa Marks on how to get tightlipped dates to open up “Don’t get too personal too quickly,” Marks says. This leads interviewees to withdraw from conversations. “Establish a commonality, but not with her,” Marks says. “Try, ‘Your friend got divorced? Mine too. How is she?’” She’ll feel more comfortable if it’s not her you’re cross-examining.
Make It Work – One hour in, say: “You can refuse to answer, but our mutual friend said to ask…” This gives her the chance to opt out.
