Why You Love ‘Hooking Up’ With Someone You Hate
‘I Despise That I Adore You’

July 30, 2015

Cannot get enough of hooking up with someone whom you dislike but yet still find yourself sexually attracted to?

Well listen up as today’s class is all about the psychology behind ‘angry sex’; if you really wondering what ‘angry sex’ entails, it simply means; the rougher the better- spanking, hair pulling, slapping and perhaps even choking.

It might be with an ex-girlfriend or an acquaintance that you cannot seem to stomach but when you lock eyes; you cannot deny the lingering chemistry.

So instead of dealing with whatever emotions have you hostage, you prefer to channel all of that into one rough session; whether or not it’s a good thing. Well here is why you might succumb to ‘unseasoned’ hate sex.

Physical Attraction

Having the ‘hots’ for someone, is one of the main components of hate sex, when you see someone that you are attracted to, there are several chemicals that can sway your state of mind. Wonder why you started behaving differently all of a sudden? “When the brain releases these chemicals, your altered mental state makes you behave differently than you normally would.”

According to Medical Daily, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, found that the part of your brain that is responsible for mediating decision making, becomes active when you see someone you are physically attracted too.

Researchers found when scanning speed daters’ brains, those who’s dorsomedial prefrontal cortex lit up were more likely to pursue a date with those they found to be attractive.”

Perhaps that is why you find yourself having the ‘hots’ for someone when you know they might not be compatible. April Masini, author and relationship expert says that having hate sex is a way to connect over a feeling- frustration, disappointment or sadness.


Now this might sound a bit crazy, like how can your childhood have an effect on your sexual life. Well Dr Fran Walfish, psychotherapist and author, believes that this behaviour could stem from your childhood.

A parent of the opposite sex has an influence on the child but also their future relationships. According to Walfish, men who grew up with a distant, cold and self-serving mother are drawn to women who tend to give less than a full tablespoon.

In the beginning stages of a relationship the sexual energy is great and keeps things interesting, however as the months go by and you start to look beyond the sexual chemistry, you tend to evaluate the relationship altogether.

“He becomes resentful and can often project anger on his mom onto his girlfriend,” Walfish said.

This comment fits in with another study conducted in 2012, published in the Child Development journal, which found that “Boys, who have insecure attachments to their mothers in the early years, tend to have more behavioural problems later in childhood. These behavioural problems such as aggression or hostility were seen even years later”.

Hate Sex vs. Make-up Sex: What’s the difference?

Is there a difference between these two? If you were an Orange Is The New Black fan, you would recall the sex scene between Chapman and Vause in the library; as these two share a love/hate relationship; some might refer to that scene as make-up sex or hate sex.

According to April Masini “Whatever energy you use — the expression is just as important as the direction or the format the energy takes.” However hate sex and make-up sex could be similar as they are triggered by the same intense emotions. In theory make-up sex is between two people who are emotionally connected, intimate come together after having a disagreement.

At times the intensity of make-up sex could reflect the fear of losing intimacy within the relationship but some believe that it provides a platform to reconnect or reunite. However you should not rely solely on make-up sex to resolve your issues it should be in lieu of good communication and discussions.

High on Hate

Is it an adrenaline rush, crossing boundaries, achieving a certain high; what is it that has you ‘high on hate’ sex? According to Medical Daily, some couples have rough sex because it provides them with more excitement than having plain old ‘vanilla’ sex.

Perhaps it leaves you feeling alive with reckless abandonment, or is it your escape from having to deal with your feelings of anger or vulnerability. “The respite from the painful feelings is usually the catalyst for participating in hate sex.”

However, whether you choose to do it is totally up to you but it is risky, those who do partake in ‘hate sex’ should make rational decisions about relationships as you could so easily assume that hooking up with a stranger or having ‘hate sex’ means it is the beginning of a committed relationship or love. Masini warns, “When people have hate sex and think it means something other than what it is, it’s not so healthy.”

It could be your form of release or give you an amazing high, proceed with caution as 10 minutes of hooking does not mean your emotions will disappear; unless it leads to some of the best sex you’ve had.

Sources: Medical Daily, Journal of Neuroscience

Alice Paulse